If only

“I want to speak to you but I’m afraid because we haven’t spoke in so long, show me the way cas the devils tryna break me down”

Eyes closed, I nod along to the Kanye song, reminiscing.

Truth is- there are words I still say, out of habit, like breathing in a language I no longer dream in.

Every breath argues with my mind, every heartbeat whispers your name, like a secret I can’t unlearn.

There are clothes I still wear that remember you, though I’ve forgotten why. I still put them on because without them, I’d feel too bare.

They cover more than skin or hair, they hide the places I’ve never shown, the ones I’ve never liked, the ones that still ache to belong.

Know that I still desire you. I want to feel you again -not the memory, not the concept, but the warmth that used to settle in the quiet spaces of my chest.

If only.